I did not did see the fifth Transformers movie. Don’t tell me the end, but I’m guessing some big shiny robots got blown to smithereens and Mark Wahlberg lived to see another paycheck. I also refuse to call out small-budget original indie projects. Some of them are truly effective sleep-aids but I can’t blast a filmmaker that needs every bit of support. Finally — and somewhat ironically — I’m going to remove I Love You Daddy, the repulsive Louis C.K. comedy never got an official release. May it stay buried forever. What’s left under the cactus? Plen-tee. These painful, offensively Worst Movies all managed to hurt the remains of my heart. Enjoy and see ya in February at Fifty Shades Freed!
5. The Glass Castle
You read the book, right? Jeannette Walls’ gut-wrenching 2005 memoir is the ultimate example of what it takes to be a heroine of your own story. This is primo, ultra-ripe 2017 material, people. But If you saw this stodgy, misguided adaptation starring Brie Larson as the poor-rural-girl-turned-gossip-journalist, your big takeaway would be that dear old angry, alcoholic dad (Woody Harrelson) was the real awe-inspiring star of the family. What a disappointment. If Larson can’t believably pull off the scrappy survivor role, surely the entire project is hopeless.
M. Night Shyamalan: Providing “gotcha” endings since 1999! The writer-director’s latest last-second twist featured a familiar character in an unfamiliar spot. (Eh, screw it. It was Bruce Willis’ David Dunn from Unbreakable. Split came out last January. Statute of limitations is off). That capper doesn’t excuse the previous 110 minutes of atrocious torture porn. This is a film in which a wild-eyed James McAvoy kidnaps innocent three girls and proceeds to eat two of them alive. And he downed his therapist (Betty “I was in the original Cats” Buckley) for dessert. Because, you know, he’s got a split personality and behaves like a beast. Charming.
Director George Clooney’s off-putting, macabre satire — about a neighborhood home-invasion murder in the 1950s — was intended to be a social commentary on present-day race relations. I guess? It was too heavy-handed and oversimplified to do any effective lifting, even with Julianne Moore playing twin sisters and Matt Damon doing his beleaguered everyman thing. Between this and the similarly dreadful Monuments Men, maybe Clooney and Damon should just stick to hanging out at the Lake Como villa. Better yet, press record and film all of it. Hello, Best Documentary Oscar!
2. Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Comparing this secret-agent-on-steroids franchise to James Bond is an insult to tuxedos, cars, George Lazenby, martinis and bartenders. Lousy enough that Channing Tatum, Halle Berry and Jeff Bridges collectively have nothing to do but look cool in chic eye-wear and drawl in Kentucky accents. This is also a craptacular fail in which a diabolical Julianne Moore grinds a goon into hamburger meal, and the hero places a bug on a potential female spy by inserting a gadget down her underwear during sex. Maybe director Matthew Vaughn figured that the sight of Elton John running around an island in a feathered head-dress would make the chaos more palatable. It didn’t. Fine, it did a tiny bit.
1. The Emoji Movie
Truly, there are no words to adequately describe this piece of [insert poop emoji movie here.] Picture, if you will, an idiotic, frenetic movie that uses sunny images and silly voices (looking at you, T.J. Miller) to encourage children to stare down at their phones like zombies and only communicate via icons. Why? Because complete sentences are no fun, lol!!! This message is so shamefully irresponsible that the Blu-Ray should be slapped with a Surgeon General’s warning. I want to vomit emoji just thinking about it. Also, get off my lawn!
Also published on Medium.