Here’s Why I Refuse to Review Transformers: The Last Knight

I won’t review the new Transformers movie

It’s called The Last Knight

I’ve thought about long and hard about it

And I’ve concluded that I’m right

 

I just did a Google search

The movie is 150 minutes long

I’d rather unload my dishwasher

Or listen to the new Nickelback song

 

 

I can tell by the plotline

This installment is sooo not my style

Something about a war between man and robots

Let’s assume no rolling in the aisle

 

Seems the Transformers keep returning to Earth

Fifth time’s a charm?

What do they want with us

Why, dammit, do they want to harm

 

 

Megatron is the Decepticon baddie

He’s a ruthless oppressor

Optimus Prime is searching for the truth

FYI, he’s not an aggressor

 

We’re supposed to root for the Autobots

They’re here to defend!

Honestly, I don’t care about any of it

When will this franchise end

 

 

Mark Wahlberg gets top-billing

He plays an inventor who’s high-tech

Anthony Hopkins and Stanley Tucci appear too

I assume they all collected a fat check

 

 

Remember Josh Duhamel?

He’s back as a ranger captain-turned-colonel

The former Tad Hamilton deserves better

Hope he documented this move in his dream journal

 

Troublesome original stars Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox are both MIA

They’ll never ever be reunited

But explosion-addict Michael Bay remains behind the camera

Could I be any more excited?

 

Back in 2007, the saga started off with promise

It received pretty decent reviews

Steven Spielberg’s name was in the credits

No way it would be a snooze

 

But the sequels were overblown and lame

Just big effects intended for big boys

They should have taken a cue from The Lego Movie

And crafted a smarter vehicle steeped in toys

 

Dark of the Moon made zero sense

Age of Extinction was a bloated mess

The producers should have left well enough alone

Yet they continued to press

 

There’s no chance I’ll learn anything new

I doubt I’ll be entertained

I’d rather see something thrilling or fun

And, like, kinda requires a brain

 

 

I will not review the new Transformers movie

I will not throw a rubber brick

Have a good time at the theater, everybody

If you need me, I’ll be re-watching The Big Sick

 

(Transformers: The Last Knight opens Wednesday June 21)

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Also published on Medium.